A-Rod Happy to Finally Have the Time to Write Next Great American Novel in a Drunken Haze

NEW YORK – Hours after Major League Baseball suspended Alex Rodriguez for the entire 2014 season, the Yankee’s third baseman said he is happy to finally have the time to begin an alcohol-soaked literary career.

“Hemingway couldn’t have written Grapes of Wrath with a 162-game schedule hanging over his head,” Rodriguez said. “And don’t get me started about the playoffs and the All-Star Break. Fuggedaboutit.”

A spokesman for Rodriguez said the slugger plans to follow the well-worn path of many literary greats and immediately begin a self-destructive regimen of cheap booze and women of low moral character.

“Like water draining from a filthy bathtub, he’s been circling this for a while,” the spokesman said. “Now it’s time to get down in the sewer with the rest of our great writers and knock a book out of the park.”

Rodriguez indicated he hopes to write a gritty yet uplifting mysterious literary drama, with a touch of supernatural romance, and plenty of laughs.

“Think Shakespeare meets M. Night Shyamalan,” A-Rod said Monday.

“I smell a trilogy,” he added.

A-Rod’s teammates quickly indicated support for his new pastime.

“He’s not much of a reader,” said Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter. “He’s not much of a catcher, either, but he’s still pretty good at baseball.”

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A-Rod Happy to Finally Have the Time to Write Next Great American Novel in a Drunken Haze