Apple Unveils New iPhone and Secret Project to Assist China in Taking Over the USA

CUPERTINO, Ca — Apple today held a special press conference to unveil their latest iPhone along with a special project to assist the Chinese government overtake the United States.

Apple began by event, held at the Flint Center near Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, by introducing the new iPhone 6. According to Apple the iPhone 6 will come in two sizes, 4.7 inch and 5.5 inch. The iPhone 6 will include a special translating device that will automatically translate all text in to Chinese language.

“We love our work with the Chinese government. One of the biggest obstacles to over take a modern culture is the language barrier, thanks to the iPhone 6, we can change that,” Apple VP Phil Schiller says. “In addition to indoctrinating Americans with the language will will enable real time location tracking and monitoring of communication for the Chinese government. People love our products, and we think even with these new features pockets of resistance will still not put them down.”

The new platform, called iChina, is expected to work in limited capacity on old iPhones as well. To help receive the full benefits of iChina, Apple is reducing the cost on all of their new iPhones announced today.

In addition to the new iPhone 6, Apple introduced a new product in the iChina family called the iWatch. The iWatch provides time in Beijing Time and includes a special heart rate monitor that can be used for lie detection during interrogation.

All iChina products mentioned today are available for pre-order starting Friday 12:01 a.m. Beijing Standard Time. Apple encourages people to pre-order early because initial shipments are expected to sell out fast.

Image from Apple, with slight modifications

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Apple Unveils New iPhone and Secret Project to Assist China in Taking Over the USA