LONDON–Following the yearly yard sale event, “Bargains Galore on 64,” popular among locals occurring each summer along Highway 64, archaeologists have recently uncovered ancient remains documenting a little known and violent massacre during this week-long yard sale.
Sources heard from archaeologist Ezekiel Simmons earlier in the week, who will head a project to uncover the dig located just outside of London, Arkansas. “Our initial findings suggest that a violent massacre happened during the developing years of ‘Bargains Galore,’ ” Simmons said, “but the more my teams digs, the more complex the site becomes. This could be the grounds of a former civilization, and potentially a site of a bloody warfare over yard sale goods.” Simmons added that his team has found dozens of skeletal remains, many of which clinging to ancient yard sale items like wicker chairs, dolls, kitchen items, baby clothes, and bicycles.
As to the motive for the massacre, Simmons has little doubt that the conflict had to do with the sale and trade of used items among primitive Arkansan hagglers and bargain hunters. “Among a barter society, these people could have easily formed a riot if an owner wouldn’t be willing to negotiate the price of, say, a used VCR or box of Louis L’Amour books,” said Simmons. The overwhelming majority of items and skeletal remains suggests that a large group of people were in conflict over the sale of merchandise found in front of ancient homes.
Before leaving the press conference, Simmons noted that this archaeological dig could take weeks before he and his team uncover the entire site. Speculations abound as to the exact date of the alleged yard sale massacre, but so far Simmons guesses it could have occurred more than 30 years ago, based on the discovery of several Arkansas Razorback championship seat pads, dating the site sometime after 1993.
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