Arkansas United Methodist Conference Officially Opposes the Southern Baptist Convention’s Official Opposition

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** Editor’s Note

The Arkansas United Methodist Conference  has voted unanimously to officially oppose the Southern Baptist Convention’s official opposition of the Boy Scouts of America’s lack of opposition to scout members who choose not to oppose other people of the same sex.

The resolution came during their annual conference, which was held this week in downtown Little Rock. The resolution came as a last second measure in response to the Southern Baptist’s statement and was passed immediately before adjournment. The approved resolution was met with singing, clapping, dancing, breaking of communal wine and basically everything else Southern Baptist can’t do.

“I think this was a big statement moment for us proving that Jesus loves us just a little more than the average Southern Baptist,” the Methodist Bishop tells us. “I doubt they have ever met a gay person. Between this and the Harry Potter opposition a few years ago they are certainly not attracting them to the church any time soon.”

The Southern Baptist Convention’s earlier this week stated that they officially oppose Boy Scouts of America’s decision earlier this year to not discriminate against boys and leaders of alternate sexualities. “We’re not trying to bring condemnation or Hell fire on scouting or their leadership, we are just hoping for possibly a plague of locus or even toads will set them on the straight way” said Steve Lemke, chair of the committee on resolutions for the Southern Baptist Convention.

The Arkansas Methodist Conference says they do not expect any membership declines from the stance, mostly because they have already offloaded all their bigots onto the Baptist over the course of the last 10 years.

 

** Ok people, shall we have a chat. The article below is a literary genera called satire. It is intentionally deceptive and stretches truth to the extent where sometimes it is broken. This is done in a manner to showcase underlying social issues, news stories, and other things we as humans care about deeply. In this case it is the negative about the Baptist Church’s stance against gays and frankly anything that is not who they are, but at the same time very positive about the United Methodist’s stance of acceptance. If you are offended by this then quite possibly you are either Baptist or you hate gays. Either way, this post was not for you so move on.

Furthermore people have questioned the legality of satire and frankly we take steps to ensure you are fully are aware that this site is satire. We operate under the tag line of “Arkansas’ second most unreliable news”, we carry a disclaimer in the footer, and we never (ever) produce news without some element of satire or parody to ensure that people do not mistake what we do here for something a little more legitimate.

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16 Comments

  1. Juniper
    June 13, 2013 at 4:37 pm — Reply

    Please get an editor! The spelling and grammatical errors are driving me nuts!

    • jgreghenderson
      June 13, 2013 at 5:29 pm — Reply

      I am sorry. It appears you were particularly offended by something in this post and decided to bitch anonymously about spelling issues that do not seem to be present and sentence structure that is grammatically incorrect on purpose.

      However I will certainly take your recommendations into account. Perhaps you are available as an editor for the site. A recent editorial audit found we were dramatically short in exclamation marks. Please submit your resume to jobs@rockcitytimes.com and I’ll take a look at it. Thanks.

  2. DERay
    June 13, 2013 at 5:43 pm — Reply

    I would like to point up one thing- no wine on Methodist church premises. The church is opposed to alcohol (in a much more mild way than the Southern Baptists claim to be). In fact, Thomas Bramwell Welch created his eponymous grape juice so that there would be a non-alcoholic replacement for Communion wine. Methodists have not used wine for about 150 years now.

    • jgreghenderson
      June 13, 2013 at 5:45 pm — Reply

      Very interesting. It is used (or at least a few years ago before we changed churches) at Quapaw UMC every Sunday at communion.

      • DERay
        June 13, 2013 at 5:53 pm — Reply

        Then they are in violation of church doctrine. Check your Book of Discipline, or call up the Conference offices. 501.324.8000
        Although, I really don’t care- I take more a view of temperance as “moderation in all things” than “complete prohibition of alcohol”- but there are some in the church who might get their knickers in a wad about that line.

        • jgreghenderson
          June 13, 2013 at 6:00 pm — Reply

          It certainly didn’t bother me. I am actually fairly certain it was served with the Bishop Crutchfield in attendance a number of times. It was just one of 3 communion lines in a fairly liberal church, so naturally no one cared.

          • DERay
            June 13, 2013 at 6:04 pm

            And thus we come back to the heart of the story. The Methodist church tends not to be comprised of people overwrought about somebody somewhere that might be living their lives slightly differently.

          • jgreghenderson
            June 13, 2013 at 6:07 pm

            Exactly. Which is why despite growing up Baptist and graduating from a Baptist university I decide to spend my Sundays at a Methodist church.

  3. Rev
    June 14, 2013 at 10:50 am — Reply

    The key word here is “unreliable news.” I was at Annual Conference as clergy. We passed no such resolution.

  4. UMC Pastor
    June 14, 2013 at 1:13 pm — Reply

    This story is completely inaccurate. This did not happen at our annual conference. Please not they advertise themselves as unreliable. They are trying to crearte problems. There were no such resolutions presented.

    Also, we do not serve wine at communion. In fact, if you look at pictures from the conference you can see the bottles of Welchs grape juice.

  5. FlamingMethodist
    June 18, 2013 at 1:51 pm — Reply

    Oh, I am so excited the Methodists have taken this step I can hardly type! I knew our “Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors.” was more than just words!! What a fine job of reporting on this important issue!! I can’t wait to welcome these poor gay Baptist Boy Scouts into our fold!!!

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Arkansas United Methodist Conference Officially Opposes the Southern Baptist Convention’s Official Opposition