** Editor’s Note
The Arkansas United Methodist Conference has voted unanimously to officially oppose the Southern Baptist Convention’s official opposition of the Boy Scouts of America’s lack of opposition to scout members who choose not to oppose other people of the same sex.
The resolution came during their annual conference, which was held this week in downtown Little Rock. The resolution came as a last second measure in response to the Southern Baptist’s statement and was passed immediately before adjournment. The approved resolution was met with singing, clapping, dancing, breaking of communal wine and basically everything else Southern Baptist can’t do.
“I think this was a big statement moment for us proving that Jesus loves us just a little more than the average Southern Baptist,” the Methodist Bishop tells us. “I doubt they have ever met a gay person. Between this and the Harry Potter opposition a few years ago they are certainly not attracting them to the church any time soon.”
The Southern Baptist Convention’s earlier this week stated that they officially oppose Boy Scouts of America’s decision earlier this year to not discriminate against boys and leaders of alternate sexualities. “We’re not trying to bring condemnation or Hell fire on scouting or their leadership, we are just hoping for possibly a plague of locus or even toads will set them on the straight way” said Steve Lemke, chair of the committee on resolutions for the Southern Baptist Convention.
The Arkansas Methodist Conference says they do not expect any membership declines from the stance, mostly because they have already offloaded all their bigots onto the Baptist over the course of the last 10 years.
** Ok people, shall we have a chat. The article below is a literary genera called satire. It is intentionally deceptive and stretches truth to the extent where sometimes it is broken. This is done in a manner to showcase underlying social issues, news stories, and other things we as humans care about deeply. In this case it is the negative about the Baptist Church’s stance against gays and frankly anything that is not who they are, but at the same time very positive about the United Methodist’s stance of acceptance. If you are offended by this then quite possibly you are either Baptist or you hate gays. Either way, this post was not for you so move on.
Furthermore people have questioned the legality of satire and frankly we take steps to ensure you are fully are aware that this site is satire. We operate under the tag line of “Arkansas’ second most unreliable news”, we carry a disclaimer in the footer, and we never (ever) produce news without some element of satire or parody to ensure that people do not mistake what we do here for something a little more legitimate.