Central Arkansas Library System Declares War Against Laman Library


The Central Arkansas Library System, also known as CALS, declared war today against Laman Library and its affiliated branch in Argenta. Citing recent tensions between the two library systems, the CALS central committee went before Little Rock city mayor Mark Stodola with their declaration. The mayor responded to the declaration by pointing out that CALS is not a city or county institution and thus “…can do whatever the hell they want!”

Senior President of the Strategic Planning Council for the Conquest of Laman (SPCCL) Dan Foster issued a few statements about the impending invasion. “Laman Library was always a blight on the lovely community that is Little Rock and North Little Rock. Their blatant attacks against our freedom, our values, and, most importantly, our ability to check out DVDs are an atrocity that CALS can no longer stand for!”

Foster went on to say that the final crossed line was the confirmation of Merriam-Webster Dictionaries, or MWDs, sent to Laman Library. “We are the only libraries that should have access to MWDs. We are the only establishment large enough to make sure they are used as a force of good in the world and not a force of evil.” Foster said. 

Despite the hard-line rhetoric seen at the press conference, many believe CALS has ulterior motives for attacking Laman Library. “They just want to get all the extra copies of Fifty Shades of Grey they can.” North Little Rock resident Georgia Stanson said. “You know how long the hold list is over at CALS for that thing? It’s ridiculous. Taking Laman might help relieve some of the reader demand for the book. Man, I swear this is a war for Grey!”

However, some saw the confrontation as inevitable. “Laman is a loose cannon that needs to come into the fold of CALS. I mean they could do anything with their MWDs! They might even let my kids look up bad words!” said Little Rock resident Mark Tesor.  

Across the river, Laman Library answered the declaration by saying that whatever event CALS was doing, they were prepared to outdo them with “…the mother of all library programs.” They went on to say that their event would have a rock wall from the National Guard, face painting for the kids, and catering from local food trucks. It is unclear whether they understand exactly what a declaration of war means. 

While no troop movements have happened at this time, it is believed that CALS will commence operations as soon as they finish construction on their forward operations base after first finishing the Arcade Theater in the River Market, a couple of new branches, some add-ons to existing branches, and a few other small projects.



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Central Arkansas Library System Declares War Against Laman Library