EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — Embattled New Jersey governor Chris Christie told reporters today that he plans to use his Super Bowl halftime performance to set the story straight regarding his recent string of alleged corruptions.
“There’s so much I need to say,” the governor told reporters after weekend rehearsals at MetLife Stadium. “At this point, my feelings can best be expressed in song and dance.”
According to Christie’s aides, the 12-minute medley of hits will “explain everything in a way all Americans will understand.”
Sources close to Christie say the governor is “surprisingly light” on his feet and dances like “the illegitimate love child of Michael Jackson and John Travolta” while his voice is like that of “Morgan Freeman with severe bronchitis.”
Christie is expected to perform hits like “Closed Bridge Over Troubled Water” and “It’s Hard to Confess.” But many expect the highlight of the performance will be Christie’s duet of “Blurred Traffic Lines” with Robin Thicke.
Citing “rather significant logistical issues,” previously scheduled acts Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers withdrew from the show Monday.
“There’s only so much stage,” Anthony Kiedis noted.