Benton, AR — Contractors demolishing the former Lincoln Square shopping center in Benton have uncovered 793 bodies buried in the foundation.
Authorities say the bodies appear to be from a large group of supporters attempting to pass a law that would approve the sale of alcohol in Saline County during the 1976 election. All of the bodies were found with campaign pins that read “Get Wet in 76”.
“Every time we have a strong movement to change Saline County into a wet county all the supporters mysteriously go missing shortly before the election,” Saline County sheriff’s office spokesperson Pat Harrison says. “For years we just assumed the supporters left town before election, now we are wondering if it is a bigger conspiracy.”
Officials say they are cross checking major construction projects started in election cycles with alcohol sale movements. Initial testing shows the possibility of bodies under the Benton Walmart (1990 election) and the Saline County Airport (2006 election).
“We have always been perplexed as to why every attempt to sell alcohol in Saline County has failed, now we know,” Shelli Russell, organizer of the Get Saline Wet 2014 movement said. “We thought people were just being lazy and not showing up for meetings. Now that I think about it, there have been a few instances of people going to the restroom during a meeting and not return. We decided to check the construction site of the new Benton Town Center shopping center and found over 1,500 shallow grave-like holes dug into the area for the foundation of several of the buildings.”
In addition to the bodies, authorities found the remains of Jimmy Hoffa and over 2,000 McDonald’s hamburger wrappers believed to be discarded during campaign stops by Bill Clinton during his 1976 Attorney General race.
*photo via Matthew Carroll
Editor’s Note: This article like everything we have ever written is completely fake. We want you to read us for humor, not truth. Thousands of people do go missing every year however, if you want to learn more about efforts to find or recover those individuals we recommend you check out the organization Lets Bring Them Home.