Washington — The US Department of Defense today announced that they have authorized the use of a 110 lbs Miley Cyrus bomb to be used in strategic military strikes against Syria.
Pentagon officials say the strikes could come as early as Thursday morning after the bomb is prepped with a massive night of partying, drugs, and Robin Thick songs. The strike would be targeted at President Bashar al-Assad personally and is expected to completely cripple the executive and military capabilities.
The U.N. has warned that use of such a weapon could be far more devastating than the effects of the chemical weapons Assad is accused of using, and is urging caution to the United States.
“The long term impact of such a weapon is completely unknown at this time,” UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon says in a statement. “The initial impact of the Miley Cyrus bomb in testing is roughly the equivalent of a small nuclear weapon, but the long term fallout could be catastrophic. We could see careers killed, children weeping, and mass psychological effects for generations. The US must be careful when deploying this weapon.”
The weapon was tested briefly at 10% power in Brooklyn on Sunday with overwhelming results. The weapon was only intended to simulate the effects of the weapon on a small, under viewed audience, but spread rapidly across the United States, nearly shutting down all rational thoughts on Monday.
“Sometimes in order to achieve major results we have to issue major consequences, ” US Secretary of State John Kerry says. “We believe that to show Syria that we will not tolerate the use of chemical weapons on civilians we must show our full might. We plan on launching an initial attack with a number of creepy teddy bears, followed by the Miley Cyrus bomb directly at Assad.”
In the US, use of the weapon has gained a large amount of support. Disney has announced they will carry live coverage of the attacks on both ABC and the Disney Channel. Meanwhile Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley’s father, says that he understands the necessity of using the weapon, but please ask people to show respect at this time and to not tell his achy breaky heart.