Farmer Lost in Corn Maze Since 2008 Found Alive

EUDORA, Ark. – A farmer lost in his own corn maze since 2008 has been found alive. Bryan Kelley was last seen leaving his home on an autumn Sunday afternoon, telling his wife and children he was going to “make the best McCain/Palin corn maze ever seen in Chicot County.”

Authorities conducted an extensive search for the missing master maze maker in 2008, but were continually confounded by the size and complexity of his maze.

“We lost a lot of good men in that maze,” said Chicot County sheriff Doug Douglas, Jr. “And with Palin on the ticket, they didn’t stand a chance in the first place. What a waste.”

The Eudora Corn Maze Catastrophe, as is it known locally, played a pivotal role in the establishment of current laws regulating GPS trackers for all corn maze participants, Douglas noted.

In recounting his harrowing ordeal, Kelley said he spent the first few months setting signal fires daily in hopes of attracting attention and being rescued. By summer 2009, after months of searching the endless corridors of the 800-acre maze, Kelley says his outlook began to change.

“At some point, you just give up caring and start wearing loincloths,” Kelley said. “I started carving faces into the corn cobs and talking with them for hours. It is amazing how uplifting and supportive Bristol Corncob could be, she helped me through some difficult nights.”

For sustenance, Kelley says he began hunting mice to supplement his daily corn intake.

“It’s good to be home at last,” Kelley said from his Drew Memorial hospital bed in Monticello. “If I had to eat raw corn one more day I was liable to kill myself.”

“So, how are the Maverick and the Pitbull doing, anyway?” he asked. “I’m assuming they won re-election?”