FAYETTEVILLE – Taking a page from Nolan Richardson’s famed “40 Minutes of Hell,” Arkansas Razorback basketball coach Mike Anderson has been branding his team’s style as the “Fastest 40 Minutes in Basketball.”
Intrigued by the claim, theoretical physicist Claus Petersen from the Max Planck Institute for Physics in Munich, Germany, recently spent a week in Fayetteville. Using a complex system of laser interferometers and sensitive motion analysis tools, Petersen and his team observed and mapped the quantum topology of the Razorbacks in action against Florida and Kentucky.
“We have discovered that, on average, the Hogs are shaving sixty-eight seconds off of each 40-minute game period,” Petersen said. “That may not sound like much, but during the Kentucky game, we witnessed a time/space vortex form above the court in Bud Walton Arena.”
Luckily, the vortex was slammed shut before it could destroy the universe, Petersen noted, thanks to Michael Qualls’ thunderous game-winning dunk.
“But the Razorbacks are bending the rules of nature every time they take the court,” Petersen said. “Under such repeated stress, the fabric of the space/time could rip apart on any given night, compressing all the matter in the entire universe into a space the size of Rashad Madden’s goatee.”
Asked if it’s a good idea for the Razorbacks to violate the laws of physics, coach Mike Anderson claimed, “The laws of nature don’t really concern us. As long as we’re not violating the laws of the NCAA, we’re all good.”
NCAA president Mark Emmert said that while the NCAA rules don’t specifically mention the laws of physics, he encouraged teams to place sportsmanship and fan safety above wins and losses.
“We’ve already got our hands full with all these investigations,” Emmert said. “The very last thing we need is a hole in the universe.”