JACKSONVILLE, Fl – A group of NFL owners led by Jacksonville Jaguars Owner Shahid Khan announced plans to form the largest pro-marijuana legalization lobbying group.
The group includes owners from Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Cleveland, Buffalo, and Houston. Each franchise owner has agreed to invest a significant portion of their personal wealth along with a percentage of team revenue toward passing laws legalizing the use of marijuana in the five states represented.
“We are really tired of losing,” Khan said. “It has become very clear to us that the ability to openly smoke massive amounts of pot without fear of repression gives athletes a competitive advantage and allows coaches to be more creative. We are all at the point where we want to win at basically any cost.”
The six teams are a combined 97-288 over the past three regular seasons and 24-96 this NFL season. Among the teams Houston has had the most recent success winning two consecutive division championships in 2011 and 2012.
“Things were going great for us until Gary Kubiak decided to stop hitting the bong with me before games,” Houston Texans Owner Bob McNair tells us. “So we had one bad batch of the Brazilian stuff and he passed out on the field. No reason to throw the whole season away. Then we hired Wade Phillips, I stand a better chance convincing my 86 year old aunt who is a nun to hit it.”
The two NFL teams located in legal marijuana states, Seattle and Denver, both enjoyed a highly successful season and will play for the Super Bowl this Sunday in New York.
“Peyton Manning has always been a huge pot smoker, that is half the reason why he has had such a successful career,” Tony Dungy, former Manning head coach at Indianapolis and special advisor to the lobbying effort. “Once Colorado had legal marijuana and he could smoke all he wanted his numbers really exploded. Don’t get me started on Seattle. About the only player on that team who refuses to smoke is Richard Sherman.”
Dallas owner Jerry Jones was the only invited owner who refused to join the group. Jones instead said he would focus on legalizing cocaine because the drug produces the extreme high followed by a last second crash that his fans are more familiar with.