It is the new year and we are all looking at our money for the year (or lack thereof). Unfortunately 99% of us lack a fancy trust fund, enough money for fancy shoes we can’t pronounce, and the Harvard education that grants instant high paying jobs. So we decided to help you get started on your New Year’s resolution of living like a 1 percenter by 2019. Before you know it you will be on your way to financial freedom (and/or jail*).
Don’t Quit your Day Job – Day 1
First thing is first, don’t quit your day job. You need a solid front after all. Things start to look suspicious when us broke folks start rolling around in Land Rovers. Despite the big money you will be earning you must maintain some look of normalcy.
Instead, free up time before and after work. Use your normal income to continue to pay your usual expenses. Save any money you earn for later.
Start Small, but Plan Big – First 3 Months
Now that we have the base covered, plan your area of focus but think big. That will need to come sooner than expected. The best way to cover the money is either selling drugs or carrying out hits on folks. See what needs other one percenters have and go for that. Once you are rubbing elbows at the Little Rock Country Club or Private School PTO meetings it will be easy to find new clients that way.
If you decide to go drugs, stay away from crack, meth, and weed. Meth is too cheap and HBO may do a documentary on you, which kills your game. Weed is about to be legal anyway, so there is no long game. Go for the high end to start.
If you are carrying out hits, make sure to stay out of market. No sense in killing off potential clients.
Spend Money to Make Money – Months 3-9
Set aside a $1,000 a month “vacation” budget. Once you have a few grand use that money to take trips to Columbia and bring back some of the good stuff. Your profit margins are much better when you cut out a few middle men. Make sure to stop by a village or two and take photos for social media to make it look like a mission trip, you have to keep up appearances and everyone will love your support of starving children.
Better still, take that experience you gained in carrying out hits and go to Africa and collect blood diamonds to later cut down and sell.
Start a Business, and the “Other” Business – Months 9-12
You should quickly be able to set aside a $4,000 static budget to put into a small business front for laundering money. Also since you now have a solid supply you can become the boss and hire people to do the dirty work for you. You can negotiate the contracts, send people out on supply runs, and have other folks execute. Then you can sell your own product through your jewelry store or “artisan yarn shop” under the radar.
Create Your New Budget – 2019
Now that you have a solid base of operations going, keep your budget within reason. Bring home around $10,000 a month after you pay off business taxes, money laundry fees, police bribes, and the like. Anything else move quietly to an offshore bank account for “retirement” in case you have to leave the country fast.
Once you reach that point, here is a great guide for spending your new budget that includes plenty for avocado toast, shoes you can’t pronounce, and crappy lattes made with soy milk like the rest of the 1%. Congratulations, you made it.
*Note: We take no responsibility for any idiot who tries to implement this and goes to jail. Do not really do this.