FAYETTEVILLE — Razorback head football coach Bret Bielema announced Wednesday that he has found a new offensive play-calling assistant in 38 year-old Subway Sandwich ™ employee Bert Shooler. Shooler, a Farmington, Arkansas native, has spent the last 17 years working at a variety of jobs, including Blockbuster Video, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Subway. He also had a brief stint as that guy who stands out on the street and spins the “We Buy Gold” sign.
Shooler’s resume’ also includes a wealth of experience in football on multiple levels…ranging from Techmo Bowl on the Nintendo Entertainment System…all the way up to the Playstation 4 version of Madden. His (unofficial) combined record of 14,565 wins and 13 losses speaks for itself…and is even more impressive considering that 6 of those losses involved a power outage mid-game or Shooler’s mother unexpectedly barging in and turning it off because it was a school night. Shooler is known as an offensive genius…averaging a mind-blowing 114 points per game…despite playing on expert level.
So just how did Bielema find this gluten-fueled football mastermind? “Well after the tough losses to A & M, Bama, and Georgia…I saw a few of his posts on Facebook and Twitter.” Bielema said. “He let it be known that we had no idea how to call plays. After several failed 3rd down conversions…he even immediately posted that he knew that play wouldn’t work! I did some checking…and on 100% of our unsuccessful plays…Shooler would have done something totally different,” Bielema said.
Offensive coordinator Jim Chaney has the Arkansas offense averaging 38.3 ppg and 454.1 total yards per game…both 5th in the SEC…yet he felt like Shooler really bought a fresh perspective to the table…as well as a 15% employee discount and free double-meat on footlong subs. Shooler is considered a quarterback guru…having won 337 consecutive Heisman Trophies playing in Dynasty mode in NCAA Football.
“You’ve really got to know how to groom these young QB’s.” Shooler said. “I know that Chaney coached Drew Brees and Bielema spent a year working with Super Bowl Champion Russell Wilson…but I’ve got something that you just can’t get with real world experience, training, and learning. I’m a proven winner. I’m currently in first place in 7 different fantasy football leagues and I recently defeated Billy Dawson (an 11-year-old who lives across town) in Madden on PS4. Not to brag…Shooler said…but I’ve also got internet download speed of more than 50mbps (unofficial).”