Editor’s Note: The following article contains spoilers from “Titanic” and the currently unreleased “Titanic 2.”
The hackers who recently broke into Sony Pictures’ computer network shocked Hollywood today when they revealed plans for a “Titanic” sequel titled “Titanic 2: Bahama Bash.”
Leaked news of the sequel is the latest wound inflicted by the Guardians of Peace, a group of North Korea-affiliated hackers who oppose the Sony Pictures film “The Interview,” a comedy about the assassination of dictator Kim Jong Un.
According to November emails exchanged between famed director James Cameron and Sony executives, the plot for “Titanic 2” will pick up right where the 1997 blockbuster left off.
“Most of the suckers who watched the first movie thought Rose died at the end,” Cameron wrote, “but she’s actually just taking a nap and dreaming about being on a boat again. When she wakes up at the beginning of ‘Titanic 2,’ she decides to find a new lover–this time on a Carnival cruise to the Bahamas!”
Over the course of seven emails, Cameron described “Titanic 2” as a romantic comedy that makes up for how “mind-numbingly depressing the last film was.”
In the new film, 84-year-old Rose Dawson must navigate treacherous waters of romance and choose between charming suitors played by Sean Connery, Robert De Niro, and Pierce Brosnan.
“I haven’t decided which of the three guys are going to draw Rose naked in this movie yet, but we’ll definitely need her to have a body double with some great jugs if we want to lock down that ‘horny teenage boy’ demographic we made so much money off last time,” Cameron explained to the Sony executives.
Fans of the original “Titanic” movie will be excited to know that Leonardo Di Caprio is expected to make occasional appearances throughout the film as “Jack’s Ghost.” The disembodied spirit is sure to garner laughs with his signature catchphrase, which Cameron describes as “just the scratchy sound of human vocal cords freezing.”
The climax of the movie involves the cruise ship hitting a sand bar. “Long story short, lots of people die and Rose ends up clinging to some random door that only one person can fit on while Pierce Brosnan gets eaten by sharks,” the email revealed.
It is not yet clear whether Sony Pictures plans to move forward with “Titanic 2,” as the company has already cancelled the release of “The Interview” amid threats of violence made by hackers.
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