This month marks 9 months of Rock City Times being open as your 2nd most unreliable news source, a spot we cherish with no desire to move up to #1. Over this time we have shared a lot of laughs, made a few memories, and managed to kill off half the people I know through random accidents and comas.
During all of this our readers have reached out to us. You share our stories (confusing the hell out of your friends), you send us great story ideas, and you complain unrelentingly about every small grammar slip up we have in the stories. This had led us to only one conclusion.
High school english teachers absolutely love to read our stories.
First of all, my high school english teacher hated me and the feeling was fairly mutual. That is why I decided to go into political science in college. Political science taught me that I can be 51% right and win. I sort of like those odds.
Still I know in journalism grammar is mildly important, so upon opening Rock City Times I took steps to make sure we produced the highest quality material in the state. I went out and hired a large team of dedicated proof readers and editors at the first opportunity.
Quite frankly I am ashamed to say this attempt failed miserably.
In the process of looking for editors I came across a group of cute little yellow people called Minions. They previously worked for Tom Cotton’s congressional office, so they had political experience, before being unexpectedly fired. The Minions claimed discrimination saying they were fired for being yellow and small. Cotton said it was a choice to be that way, therefor making it a fireable offense. The Minions claimed they were born that way and therefor had no control over the situation. Either way until we work this discrimination stuff out this will keep happening.
So I felt sorry for the little guys. Plus I could pay them completely in vanilla wafers and banana pudding, which was quite spectacular considering I have very little startup money. So I hired all of them. I thought at the time it was the best decision I ever made.
Turns out the Minions are fairly smart when they all get together. They quickly unionized to shelter against mass firings. They wrote in the collective bargaining agreement that they controlled the full proofreading process for Rock City Times. This quickly became a problem once I figured out that they do not speak or read English.
So this is the situation I am in today. They consume way more vanilla wafers than I can keep up with. In order to terminate them and put better editors in place I have to pay them a 2 million vanilla wafer severance and then come up with the money to hire a replacement.
All this to say that we are aware of the issue and we are doing our best to resolve it in a timely manner. Unfortunately without a large investor our large fan base of high school english teachers are stuck with minor grammatical errors for the time being.
I do sincerely appreciate your support of Rock City Times and look forward to amusing you in the future,
– Greg Henderson