NewsSatire

Memphis Pyramid Sinking Rapidly Into Mississippi River

MEMPHIS – Contractors working on renovations to the Memphis Pyramid building say that the building and surrounding land is sinking rapidly into the Mississippi River.

The building is currently under renovations to turn the location into a Bass Pro Shops, opening in the spring. Bass Pro officials say the new issue has no impact on the opening, and believe it will enhance the store’s atmosphere.

“The Pyramid location is still set to become our flagship location. Many people are even lovingly calling us the redneck Disney World,” Bass Pro Shops VP of visitor experience Jeffery Boomhauer tells us. “We believe people will love the new additions. Now to get from the parking lot to the store we will ferry people in flat bottom aluminum boats. Additionally we estimate the pyramid will now sit about 25 feet under water, which should allow visitors to watch catfish swim past the glass walls.”

City of Memphis geologists believe the sinking is a result of the removal of an ancient Egyptian crystal skull attached to the apex of the building by the original owners. The skull was said to protect the building from the geologically volatile area.

Others however feel there are other explanations for the instability in the ground. Local scientists from the University of Memphis point to recent hunting and NASCAR conventions who were given tours of the renovation progress last weekend.

“The thing people have not taken into account is the increase mass of the new target audience,” UM Science professor Dr. Julius Kelp says. “Previously we would get a few thousand skinny punk rockers in for a concert. The new Bass Pro plans include 14 funnel cake stations if that tells you anything about their audience.”

In addition to sinking, the Pyramid is shifting west. Geologists say the Pyramid should settle slightly west of the midpoint of the Mississippi River, causing the building to become part of Arkansas.

advertisement

You might also like

11,705 Comments