The National Security Agency used the information from millions of text messages it secretly collected during the past few years to make an extensive guide on texting etiquette, covering everything from selfies to sexting.
NSA Director Jim Wurthey said the guide, officially titled “THNX 4 the LOLs: 101 Texting Tips We Learned from Snooping on U,” was requested by President Barack Obama himself.
“Back in 2009, the president was having trouble understanding the text messages we collected from a phone belonging to Sarah Palin.” Wurthey explained. “He was concerned that ‘ROFL’ stood for ‘Republicans Ogling the First Lady’ and that ‘LMFAO’ meant ‘Look at My Fat Ass, Obama.’ Turns out Palin was just laughing at a Saturday Night Live skit in which she was played by Tina Fey.”
Frustrated that he couldn’t make sense of the texting lingo, President Obama told the NSA to focus all attention on the guide and leave national security to his army of drones.
“We codenamed the guide ‘Operation Eight Closed Parentheses,’ because when it’s typed out like 8), the emoticon looks like a spy guy looking through binoculars,” Wurthey said. “We started by analyzing sexting conversations from Anthony Weiner, and that took a huge mental toll on some of our intelligence agents. I really think Edward Snowden would still be here today if we hadn’t made him analyze all those Weiner pictures.”
One of the most remarkable parts of Operation Eight Closed Parentheses is the series of texting patterns that the NSA identified. For instance, the guide touches on subtle differences between cellphone lingo used by teenage girls and that of drug lords by offering real-world examples such as, “Bradley is TOTES the hottest guy in school,” and “The cocaine is in the luggage totes.” Worthey explained that the difference all comes down to the capitalization, but he admitted that telling the two apart became tricky when teenage girls were selling drugs.
“THNX 4 the LOLs” is expected to hit bookshelves of retailers this fall, although it is expected to be heavily censored. “Civilians only have access to about 1 percent of the full text, or about two pages,” Wurthey said. “Giving them the entire guide would be a grave breach of privacy.”