SOCHI, RUSSIA — Olympic officials announced today that Russian-made “gold” and “silver” medals have been found to contain harmful levels of lead, arsenic and asbestos.
An investigation revealed that the cores of the medals were forged in Sochi using scrap metal recovered from Soviet-era bunkers and piping from local apartment buildings. Thin layers of gold and silver were then placed over the deadly materials.
Andrei Barkov, chairman of the Russian Olympic Preparations Committee, called the discovery “a tragic mistake.”
“We were simply trying to ‘be green,'” Barkov said. “I sincerely apologize to President Putin for this unfortunate news coming to light.”
While victorious athletes are being treated for exposure to the medals, their less-successful competitors are celebrating in the Olympic village. Members of the Kazakh team have been seen embracing and congratulating one another on their single bronze medal.
“Never before have we been so happy to perform so poorly!” team manager Dayana Sattar said.