PURCHASE, N.Y. – Just days after Coca-Cola drew criticism over a controversial “America the Beautiful” Super Bowl commercial depicting the patriotic song in a variety of languages, Pepsi has announced that it will fire all its multilingual employees in an attempt to win the hearts of “true Americans.”
John Vanguarde, Pepsi’s CEO, said the termination of the company’s roughly 820,000 employees who “occasionally speak stuff besides English” is expected to drastically increase profits.
“Our competitor’s commercial helped Pepsi discover a large group of potential customers who are ‘ignorant’ and ‘xenophobic,’ but those are just fancy marketing terms for people who want to buy our new ‘Merica-only product,” Vanguarde said.
Chelsea Baytes, a former Coca-Cola drinker living in West Plains, Mo., said she supports Pepsi’s decision.
“I am really not surprised that Coke is un-American,” Baytes said. “Today I looked up ‘coca’ and ‘cola’ in a Mexican dictionary and found out that the company’s name actually means ‘cocaine tail.’ Do you know who has an English name, English workers and a red-white-and-blue logo? Pepsi, my new favorite soda. Sure, it taste like crap, but that is the price for Freedom Juice™.”
Backlash over the Super Bowl commercial has negatively affected both companies when it comes to the South. Convenience stores in southern states are reporting a record slump in both Coca-Cola and Pepsi sales, because outraged shoppers who mistakenly refer to all carbonated beverages as “Cokes” are unaware of any distinction between the two.