The kindhearted staff of the Rock City Times has decided to raise awareness and a bunch of money for people who have tragically fallen ill with pneumonia after participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge.
The viral challenge is designed to draw attention and donations for ALS, a debilitating disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. The premise of the campaign is to dump a bucket of ice water on yourself and then challenge friends to either do the same, donate money to an ALS charity, or be publicly shamed as a cold-hearted monster on social media.
Unfortunately, a staggering 90% of people who participated in the challenge have fallen ill with pneumonia. These victims include prominent Arkansans such as Gov. Mike Beebe, UCA President Tom Courtway, and a UofA pole vaulter.
Please note that the Rock City Times does not want you to pour frigid water on yourself to raise awareness for pneumonia, as that would defeat the purpose of our mission. If you choose to dump a bucket of ice water on yourself regardless of this warning, please send us your name so we can collect donations from your friends and family.
To contribute money to this legitimate cause, please post your home address in the comment section below, place your large bills in a paper bag, and leave the bag in your mailbox. A Rock City Times staff member will arrive shortly to collect your donation, which will be spent on medical stuff and not pizza or beer.
The names of cheapskate donors who contribute less than $100 will be published in an incredibly humiliating article titled, “A List of Saline County Residents.”
We’re trying to make this charity as simple and transparent as possible. Together, we can help ourselves feel good about helping those who harmed themselves while trying to help others. We appreciate your support as much if not more than the pneumonia victims who will be receiving your donations.