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Red Lobster Announces Closure of all Stores Due to Underground Biscuit Eating Competitions

Orlando, FL — Red Lobster’s parent company Darden Restaurants today announced plans to close all 705 Red Lobster restaurants due to a dramatic rise in secret biscuit eating competitions.

The restaurant says the competitions appear to be linked to an incident earlier this year where a Little Rock man attempted to eat 413 of the company’s signature cheddar bay biscuits before going into a coma. The man’s feat spurred a number of imitators and eventually secret eating competitions.

“You never knew when one of these would hit your store. A number of separate dinner parties would come in, then begin to independently request large amounts of biscuits,” Dallas Red Lobster owner Louis Walker told us. “Before you knew it you had 2,500 biscuits served in under an hour. Eventually you would see people throwing up or passing out on the floor and someone would stand on their table and yell ‘I am the Biscuit King!’. After that everyone would pay for their meal and leave or call an ambulance.”

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Sources tell us that the biscuit eating competitions are typically organized over Craig’s List using the “Missed Connections” section. Typically a post is made as a m4m referencing a missed connection at a specific Red Lobster location and list a time that the competition will take place.

“When we found out about the eating competitions, we began doing everything we could do to discourage them,” Red Lobster spokesperson Gregorio Fuentes tells us. “We started restricting the number of biscuits, and they would just come in with larger crowds that would collect biscuits for one person. Then we started charging for biscuits and people stopped coming all together. We attempted to sell the restaurant but no one would buy it due to the biscuit competition issue. They literally ate us out of business.”

We were unable to reach any member of the biscuit eating competition for comment.

Greg Henderson

Greg Henderson

Owner/Publisher/Chief Fire-starter