WASHINGTON, DC — A group of Tea Party Caucus members announced today that they have successfully won an induction against the US National Park Service to reduce the firework budget for tomorrow’s National Mall Independence Day Celebration. The ruling will for the most part cancel one of the nation’s most popular annual firework displays.
The tea party members sought a temporary injunction against the event in an effort to reduce government overall spending. The group says they will seek to put a permanent ban on all spending related to unnecessary showings of patriotism.
“Do we really need to spend money on a bunch of fancy fireworks to show we are Americans,” Tea Party Caucus chairperson Michele Bachmann says. “Last year we spent roughly $5 million on the event. In the big picture that is $5 million we could spend toward purchasing a bigger wall to keep all the non-Americans out, or some extra incandescent bulbs because all that global warming stuff is nonsense.”
Under the ruling the Independence Day celebration will continue with a restricted budget of $185. The plan will provide either a roman candle or pack of bottle rockets to the first 100 guest. Other attendees of the celebration are encouraged to bring their own fireworks.
At approximately 9:10, when the original firework show was scheduled to begin, the national park service will hold a large bottle rocket vs roman candle war on the National Mall. Attendees are encouraged to shoot one another with the firework of their choosing.
“When I was growing up, bottle rockets and roman candles were a perfectly fine way to celebrate the 4th. True I shot my neighbors eye out in a bottle rocket war, but that is just part of being a true American,” Bachmann tells us. “If it was good enough then it will be good enough now. It is time citizens with all their fireworks and World Cup soccer crap come back to reality and see what it is like to be a true American.”
The Tea Party Caucus says they plan to focus next on a federal holiday reform bill. The bill, if passed, will require all federal workers to report to work and performed assigned duties without pay on federal holidays. “These are holidays for the country, not for the workers,” Bachmann stated.