To make up for other states’ recent decisions to abandon the death penalty, Texas lawmen have announced that they will explore new ways to make their executions more painful and drawn out.
Briain Walltripp, chairman of the Texas Committee on Criminal Justice and Killing Inmates, says he and his fellow members have decided to modify the state’s current lineup of capital punishments to make up for “a disappointing lack of justice around this sissified country.”
“Just the other day I heard that a California judge declared that the death penalty was unconstitutional,” Walltripp said. “Not very surprising for a state full of spineless fruit cakes. I bet they’ll piss their skinny jeans when they hear how we take care of murderers, rapists, cattle thieves, and shoplifters in the God-fearing state of Texas.”
The committee has suggested significant changes to the lethal injection, a chemical cocktail that has recently come under scrutiny due to a series of horribly botched executions.
“First we’re gonna inject the law-breaking sonofabitch with a cocktail of Santa Anna Steak Sauce and True Texan Bar-B-Que Glaze,” Walltripp explained. “This doesn’t hurt the inmate — we just do this because those two companies are our two 2014 True Texan Execution Sponsors, so they get some time in the spotlight. After the flavoring step, we’ll then inject Coca-Cola and crushed-up Mentos into the veins and watch the sucker fizz ’til his eyes pop out.
The committee has also decided to increase the number of firing squad executions carried out each year. Walltripp said traditional shooting-style executions have been deemed too humane for the Lone Star State’s cold-hearted menaces.
“Instead of a regular shootin’ squad, we’ve decided to hogtie the death row inmates in a Golden Corral restaurant, give the dining customers slingshots, and let them shoot the criminals with food from the buffet. Unless the scoundrels get whopped by a lobster or something, they don’t die from the projectiles — this process goes on for weeks, so it’s the starvation that gets em’.”
Under the committee’s new death penalty guidelines, inmates would be given the opportunity for a relatively fast execution. They can choose to be submerged in their own bathtub at home, at which point family members would be forced to push plugged-in electric appliances into the water.
The latter method was suggested when concerned Texas taxpayers pointed out that the cost of executing an inmate exceeded the cost of a life sentence. “Everyone is glad ’cause the state isn’t paying for the electricity for the ‘happy, zappy bathtime,'” Walltripp said.
Critics of the death penalty point out that people are more likely to face execution if they are members of a specific race or economic class, but Walltripp simply shrugs off these arguments. “Have you seen what Lady Justice looks like? Y’know, that broad who’s wearing the blindfold and holding them scales. She wears the blindfold so she doesn’t get swayed by fancy-schmancy numbers and statistics. Nothin’ gets in the way of justice.”