White Smoke Seen Coming from Longhorn Stadium, No New University of Texas Coach Elected
Austin, TX — White smoke was seen coming from Darrell K. Royal Stadium on the campus of the University of Texas this morning after Alabama head coach Nick Saban formally rejected the offer to become the Longhorn football coach.
The smokestack was installed Saturday (December 14th) following Mac Brown’s official resignation as head football coach. Texas Athletic Director Steve Patterson announced that top ranking athletic officials and established alumni would enter a closed door coaching search.
“We want to take our time and select the best individual to lead the Longhorns on the field for the next 16 years,” Patterson said shortly before locking the door. “To limit outside influence we will seal ourselves inside the stadium and form the Longhorn Conclave. Our only communication with the outside world will be through this smokestack.”
The conclave went on to say that they will burn a copy of every contract issued once given an official response from the targeted coach. If the coaching contract is not signed white smoke will appear. Special ink is being used for a signed contract that will turn the smoke from white to burnt orange when a signed contract is burned. The decision to deviate from the traditional papal smoke colors was made to adhere to strict official athletic colors.
Under Brown’s coaching papacy, the Longhorns posted nine straight double digit-win seasons from 2001 to 2009. Brown, 62, is expected to be retained by the university as a special advisor. Brown finishes the season nine wins shy of Darrell Royal for the most wins in Texas history. He did however fail to win a second national championship, which is required to be considered for Texas sainthood.