Landover, MD — Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones announced today in a press conference before a game at Washington that he will undergo a full brain transplant immediately following the conclusion of this season.
The surgery is designed to transplant Jones’ brain and consciousness into a 16 year old body. Jones has spent the past two years carefully sourcing bodies for the transplant and consulting with the country’s top neurosurgeon.
“A few years ago I came to the hard reality that this body is simply not going to take me much further,” Jones said in the press conference. “I have had about all the tucks and stuffs I can get to keep myself going. Following the passing of my good friend Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders I decided it was time to consider an alternate vehicle to keep me leading the Cowboys for the next NFL 45 seasons. I made the decision to transfer myself into the body of a healthy young man.”
Jones began using the Cowboy’s professional scouting team to review the top running backs in the country as candidates for the transplant. While the identity of the transplant recipient has not been disclosed, Jones said he does run a 4.45 40-meter dash and can bench 295 as a high school sophomore.
“I am really excited to introduce you all to the new Jerry Jones at the start of the next season,” Jones said. “I have been in contact with the NCAA and they have agreed to grant a new body waver. I plan to enroll in the University of Arkansas for the 2015 season and then draft myself to the Cowboys in 2018 NFL draft. This should finally fulfill my dream of owning, coaching, and being the star player for the Cowboys at the same time.”
Jones stated that he and the new body had already undergone pre-surgery preparations. Recovery time is expected to last 16 weeks, however Jones said that he expects to be available in the new body in time to fire head coach Jason Garret shortly before the Superbowl as his first official action in the new body.
Jones said he will retain his full name once in the new body. The previous body will be re-named Montgomery Burns and placed in charge of a recently acquired nuclear power plant business until it is no longer functional.