Due to a long-forgotten rule from the Mesoamerican soccer related game Ōllamaliztli, that dates back to the Mayan empire, Brazil officially became a German colony this week after a crushing 7-1 World Cup loss to the European team.
Hundreds of Brazilian fans were seen sobbing after Tuesday’s semifinal showdown, but viewers outside the South American continent were largely unaware of why the home crowd was so emotional. Juan Ramierez, Brazil’s leading Mayan historian, says that there was a lot more at stake in the game than just bragging rights.
“Back around 250 AD, the Mayans used to play a version of soccer called Ōllamaliztli that used the severed head of a virgin instead of a ball,” Ramierez explained. “Even gore and virgins couldn’t make soccer interesting, so the Mayans raised the stakes with the Incredibly Conquered rule.”
The Incredibly Conquered rule states that when an empire’s soccer team loses to an opponent by six points on a South American field, the losing empire automatically becomes the victor’s slave colony. Some historians insist that the rule was created as a joke, saying that the Mayans never expected a soccer team to lose by such a large margin.
“It’s just one of those outdated traditions that never made it out of the soccer rule book,” Ramierez said. “Kind of like the game clock that counts up for some reason and the way players are encouraged to fake injuries by flopping around like headless virgins.”
It is thought that German Chancellor Angela Merkel is very pleased with her country’s soccer team and the new colony, although it was hard to tell if she was actually happy at the post-game press conference because of how angry the German language sounds. According to Google Translate, Merkel simply quoted the chorus of Queen’s “We are the Champions.”
“Wir sind die Sieger, meine Freunde,” Merkel growled menacingly. “Und wir werden weiterkämpfen, bis zum Ende. Wir sind die Sieger. Wir sind die Sieger. Keine Zeit für Verlierer. Denn wir sind die Weltmeister.”