Justin Sonders, a 52-year-old hunter from Russellville, Ark., was placed in quarantine on his deer stand Tuesday after being bitten by a doe believed to be infected with the Ebola virus.
The Arkansas Game and Fish Commission reports that Sonders and the doe have been sealed in an airtight “bubble” made of duct tape and approximately 100 Hefty trash bags. He has been instructed not to kill the animal, as a stray arrow could breach the plastic barrier.
“We looked up the symptoms of deer-transmitted Ebola on WebMD,” said Walter Scotte, Game and Fish Commission director. “We can’t say with complete certainty that it’s Ebola, but we’re all wildly speculating about the possibility on social media.”
Sonders and the deer have repeatedly tried–and failed–to break through the durable trash bags separating them from dozens of angry Arkansans who are protesting the fact that the two haven’t been airlifted out of the state.
“I’m not saying we have to fly them all the way to Africa,” Little Rock preschool teacher and doomsday prepper Sue Tompson said. “I just think we should ship them to Missouri, where they can’t hurt anyone.”
Dr. Kristina Fritts, an infectious disease expert at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, insists that Sonders has a right to modern medical treatment that isn’t available in Missouri.
“Missouri frequently treats patients with serpent-extract vaccines, which are more commonly known as snake oil,” Fritts explained.
While waiting for appropriate medical treatment, Sonders has been communicating through the plastic barrier, although his comments are ridiculous gibberish because his brain is likely being ravaged by the disease.
“The CDC states that American medical facilities are well-equipped to handle cases of Ebola,” Sonders ranted like a lunatic. “Our ability to rationally work together is the key to preventing the spread of this disease.”