BOSTON, MA–an independent risk analysis group has released a statement to the press indicating that the potential shortage of pumpkin spice flavoring could speed up the apocalypse. The analysts made this conclusion after completing investigative research on the chemical plant International Flavors and Fragrances (IFF), located in Dayton, New Jersey. “Our exhaustive research of the chemical plant made it startlingly clear that the output of pumpkin spice flavoring generated by this company could not meet the demands of consumers,” said risk analyst Bradley Taylor.
Taylor revealed to sources his predictions of the downfall of North America, as well as other developed countries across the globe: “We anticipate the city to get hit first will be Seattle, Washington, since it’s the coffee capital of the United States, the location of the first Starbucks business, and the predominant purchaser of pumpkin spice.” Taylor elaborated on his vision of the end of civilization as we know it; once Starbucks franchises across the planet collapse due to the shortage of their popular fall flavors, college campuses will quickly spiral into chaos. “My team predicts that a zeitgeist movement of terrorist groups led by twentysomething Caucasian women will engage in guerrilla tactics and will feed riots, looting, and other violent conflicts to businesses and innocent bystanders.”
Taylor and his team implored the CIA and the FBI to take his predictions seriously. “Unless we contain the problem, ease consumer panic, or regulate the distribution of pumpkin spice, our civilization is doomed. The potential damages to businesses and the casualties of innocent lives could be staggering.”
Before press time, sources were unable to reach the FBI or CIA for comment, as their secretaries explained that officials had gone out for a coffee break and were taking longer than usual to return.
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