LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Fletcher Auto Sales has announced a two-week summer sales event titled “Compensation Daze,” during which any aspiring buyer who can prove he has something small “under the hood” will qualify for the dealership’s Really Big, Satisfying Sales Package.
Frank Fletcher, owner of the lot, said he dreamed up the sale when he noticed it was a specific kind of guy who typically purchased his biggest rigs.
“He’s usually the cocky idiot with bedazzled jeans and spotless cowboy boots,” Fletcher said. “I put up with the bravado long enough to shake on a deal and then I notice the his lil’ baby hands. From that moment on, I know he actually has a ‘Mini Cooper’ parked where most men have ‘Hummers.'”
The Really Big, Satisfying Sales Package only applies to Fletcher’s largest vehicles, including the Ford F650 pictured above. Fletcher said he expects most of the enormous trucks sold will have automatic transmissions.
“Have you ever seen a ‘dainty’ driver in a standard? Nine times out of 10 he winces when he goes for the clutch because he’s about to reach for the stick shift and be reminded of his stick-like, shifty shaft.”
There will be a doctor on-site at the dealership to perform physical exams and confirm whether a man is eligible for the special deal. A customer who’s uncomfortable with the exam can always bring a notarized statement of disappointment from a past lover, but he won’t be eligible for the Petite Piston Prize, a free vehicle for the man with the smallest documented member.
Fletcher admitted he is worried people will accuse him of being sexist for creating a male-only deal, but he plans to make up for it next month.
“Pretty soon we’re gonna launch our ‘Junkless Trunk’ sales event for all the sad ladies who don’t have much ‘bumper’ on their ‘rear ends.’ The sales will apply to extra-wide dually pickups. Be sure to tell all your flat-bottomed friends!”
Fletcher says he has teamed up with local celebrity David Bazzel to promote the event, saying “Baz proves men with little men can at least get a starting position with the Razorbacks and a football show. That is the type of thing we hope to promote.”