KEIV, UKRAINE – The Ukrainian Parliament voted today to name Oleksander Turchynov as the Interim President following the removal yesterday of former President Viktor Yanukovich. Turchynov had been the speaker of Parliament, which in Ukraine, is an un-capitalized position, according to world media outlets.
Tuchynov vowed immediate action on the crisis perceived as the primary cause of the revolution, Yanukovich’s collaboration with Russian President Vladimir Putin to corner the world parsley and dill markets, causing the price of Chicken Kiev to skyrocket. Protesters have called for Yanukovich and Putin to be tried at the Hague for crimes against the international restaurant industry.
The Ukrainian economy is completely dependent upon royalties from restaurants around the world who serve the former Soviet republic’s signature dish, which is traditionally made by cooking parsley, dill, butter, and other ingredients wrapped inside a piece of chicken.
Immediately following Yanukovich’s ouster yesterday, former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko was released from prison by Parliament. Tymoshenko had been serving what many viewed as a politically motivated 7-year sentence on corruption charges.
Tymoshenko addressed thousands of supporters from her wheelchair at a rally in Independence Square today following her release. She said, “Putin believes that we will come crawling to him if he can wreck our economy. We’ve got to have those royalties and we call upon the international community to stand with us in this time of great change.”
She continued, “You can make a passable Chicken Kiev without parsley or dill. It is possible to use substitutes, and we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. But until Putin and Yanukovych are made to answer for their crimes, it will be impossible for the average worker anywhere in the world to go into a restaurant, order the Chicken Kiev, and get anything that they would be happy with.”
Turchynov spoke to the members of Parliament following the rally. “Putin is a madman. It turns out, when the protests began, Yanukovych let Putin’s agents into key positions in the restaurant supply business. They engineered agreements with vendors that bottlenecked delivery of everything from breadcrumbs to eggs to butter. Now, with world garlic prices soaring, Putin effectively controls who can get an order of Chicken Kiev, when they get it, and how much they pay for it.”
Russian ambassador to the UN Vitaly Churkin defended Putin in a press conference just hours ago. “Look, according to Wikipedia, Chicken Kiev wasn’t even invented in Ukraine. It was invented at the Moscow Merchants Club in the early 20th century. If you ask me, a brilliant example of the Soviet system working to it’s highest capacity.”