BENTONVILLE, Ark – Retail Giant Walmart claimed responsibility today for hacking into Amazon’s distribution centers causing shipping robots to send lumps of coal to all customers using the Amazon Prime service instead of their intended purchase.
Amazon announced the fulfillment bots developed by Kiva, a company which Amazon purchased in 2012, earlier this month. Walmart infiltrated the 10 Amazon distribution centers using the bots over the weekend and began replacing orders to Prime customers with various lumps of coal for sale that Amazon also stocks in the warehouses.
“The robots began by barricading the doors during a shift change,” Amazon director of robot services Alfred Lanning tells us. “We then watched the computer flip the vast majority of the orders to one of our lumps of coal products and begin scheduling deliveries. We figured it would end when we ran out of coal, but somehow the system has placed orders for even more from our vendors. We cannot find anyway to shut. To make matters worse the robots have managed to erect a number of bb guns in stock that shoots anyone trying to enter in the eye.”
This is the second consecutive year that Walmart has declared war against online shopping. The retailer launched their Megatron division last year in an effort to drive customers back to retail locations.
Last holiday season Walmart installed surface to air missiles on the roofs of many of their retail locations targeting Amazon’s new drone delivery program. The retailer was able to successfully shut down the drone deliveries, forcing Amazon to continue to rely on traditional shipping methods.
Amazon hoped the late holiday season announcement would leave Walmart with little time to formulate a strategy against the fulfillment robots.
“We began working with Fayetteville based distributor Acumen, who began using the Kiva system in 2011, as soon as Amazon bought the robotics company in 2012 in anticipation of this,” John Simmons, head of Walmart’s Megatron division tells us. “For the past two years we have focused on infiltrating and taking over the robot networks. There is nothing Amazon can do. Either enjoy your lumps of coal or shop at your friendly neighborhood Walmart.”
Walmart says the final phase of the robot hacking involves installing an artificial intelligence software on each unit so that the robots can act autonomously to shut down Amazon’s online retail operations. Simmons tells us, “we want to allow the robots to make their own decisions about how to destroy online for not only Amazon, but beyond. What is the worst that can happen?”