EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — Noting a general lack of interest among pre-teens, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell today announced Super Bowl 48 will be played with helmets crafted from balloons with silly shapes and funny colors.
“Our internal polling indicates a general lack of enthusiasm for football among our nation’s children,” Goodell said at a Saturday morning press briefing. “We’ve looked at a number of potential tweaks, but we think the funny helmets will appeal to youngsters while the constant threat of facial disfigurement will heighten enthusiasm among our older fans.”
Renowned Staten Island balloon master Bananas the Clown has been retained by the league to create over 100 balloon helmets for the Super Bowl.
News of the balloon helmet initiative was met with near unanimous elation among NFL players and coaches.
“This is a bold and daring move,” said Broncos head coach John Fox. “And, obviously, a very cute move, too.”
While acknowledging a “heightened but negligible” concussion risk, Goodell said the move has has nothing to do with the perceived danger in playing the sport among parents, and everything to do with creating young fans.
“We are aware that parents are pulling kids out of youth football in record numbers,” Goodell said. “There’s nothing we can do about now today. Our primary concern with the Super Bowl is to put on a good show. You know, for kids.”
Bananas the Clown was at a previously-scheduled birthday party and not immediately available for comment.