WASHINGTON DC – In what is being called the largest shakeup in the history of the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama today announced the appointment of former president Bill Clinton as U.S. Ambassador to the entire world.
“There are few people qualified to speak on behalf of our nation to all the people of the world,” Mr. Obama said at a Rose Garden ceremony this morning. “But there’s no doubt that the world loves Bill Clinton. Indeed, I can’t think of anyone who has touched as many people around the world as Bill.”
According to a State Department spokesman, all 294 of the nation’s embassies and consulates will be shuttered. Over the next two weeks, over 11,500 Foreign Service employees will be recalled and furloughed.
“I humbly accept this position,” Clinton said at the White House today. “With all that’s happening in the news today, maybe the world just needs a man from Hope.”
News of the appointment was met with universal exaltation among foreign leaders.
“Awesomesauce,” said a Tweet from Russian president Vladimir Putin.
According to White House sources, the downsizing of the State Department is a part of the President’s continuing efforts to streamline the federal government and reduce spending. The bulk of the State Department’s $50 billion dollar annual embassy budget will be reallocated to expand the Affordable Care Act. Funds from future budgetary savings will be used to bolster food stamps and other entitlement programs.